aprilhenry (aprilhenry) wrote,

Like the trailer for Haywire? You're better off watching it 40X than seeing movie

I've done kajukenbo or kung fu for the last three years. And I love thrillers! Therefore, Haywire looked like it was right up my alley. It stars Gina Carano, a real MMA star.

Ha! All the best parts were in the trailer. (In fact, I think there were parts in the trailer that weren't in the movie). Let me count the problems with the movie:

- When the main character is on the run, she somehow manages to get her hair cut from past her shoulders to a stylish angled bob. Yeah, that would be top of mind for me when everyone wants me dead. The color doesn't change, so it's not like she's trying to throw her pursuers off track. Later, she shows up in cornrows. Cornrows I don't think she has enough hair for. And who braided it?

- Speaking of changing colors, when the the MC is being chased down city streets, running through restaurants and stores and vaulting over fences, she continues to wear a white hat. So much for being an expert. The first thing you should do when someone is tailing you is to change your appearance. Ditching the hat would have been a great first step.

- The character played by Tatum Channing is a bit of a rookie. He nearly screws things up and has ideas no one agrees with. Yet at the end of this section of the movie, the MC is kissing him and undoing his belt. Why? It seems beneath her to have sex with him. The reason is revealed near the end, when he dies. Gives her the opportunity for a flashback scene and a moment of sadness.

- The character played by Ewan Macgregor is shown putting a gun in the back of his pants. Then he fights the MC on the beach. A fight, it is clear, that won't end until one of them is dead. Yet he never pulls his gun. Isn't that guy familiar with Chekov? "If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired."

- They re-dubbed the actress's voice, so it sounds different from take to take.

- If you don't trust someone, would you let them have full access to your stuff while you took a shower?

- There's a plot point involving a brooch being planted in a dead man's hand to cast the blame for the murder. It was like something out of Agatha Christie. A brooch! In his hand! With no signs of a struggle or threads caught in brooch to explain how he supposedly managed to yank it off his killer.

- The high-tech spies use - wait for it - Blackberries! How much did they pay for product placement?

This is definitely the last Steven Soderbergh movie I see. Contagion also sucked, but for different reasons.

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Tags: bad reviews, martial arts, mistakes were made, movies, stupid things
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