2. Don’t follow the instructions the agent has about how to query them.
3. Follow up - by phone, for bonus points - after only a short period of time.
4. If the agent accepts email queries, attach the first few pages (or anything else), rather than pasting it into the email itself.
5. Send a thank you note for a form rejection letter. Be unconcerned that this looks like groveling.
6. Say things in your query like, “Publishing sucks,” or “I know you won’t be interested in this.”
8. Don’t enclose an SASE.
9. Send your submission by registered mail to make the agent take it seriously. (Don’t worry if that means the agent must make a special trip to the post office- in fact, it will impress them even more.)
10. Threaten. Memorably, my agent once got a letter from someone she had rejected saying that Jesus would no longer talk to her – and neither would Jesus’ dogs.
11. Be crazy. See above.
12. Tell the agent that you have written the next Da Vinci Code.
13. Explain how much your mom or friends love it.
14. Use pink paper and purple ink so that you’ll stand out from the pack.