aprilhenry (aprilhenry) wrote,

I beg you, please kill me before I buy this

I cannot imagine being the person who would want to collect this freakish "baby monkey doll" known as "li'l monkey hugs." The ad warns that it not a toy. So some crazy adult who lives alone in a room full of "collectible" crap is the only one who will buy it. I cannot imagine being that person or even knowing them.

The ad says - with my comments in brackets - "The playful [they just lie there - how playful is that?] little sweethearts in this baby monkey doll collection are quite a handful - and as much fun as a barrel of you-know-whats! [The copywriter who penned that line probably also contemplated suicide.] They're sure to make your heart wild with joy [if so, that is really, really sad], starting with Issue One, Baby Jingles. Soon you'll welcome home Issue Two, your next adorable collectible baby monkey doll. Before you know it, additional Heavenly Handfuls baby monkey dolls, each a separate issue, will follow. [Before you know it, your credit card will be charged $29.99 each, plus $6.99 shipping and handling].

Available exclusively from The Ashton-Drake Galleries, the darling collectible baby monkey dolls in this first-ever [It is hard to fathom that no one has come up with this idea before now] collection are by acclaimed artist [name redacted because I feel sorry for her]. They're realistically sculpted, from the tops of their fuzzy heads to the bottoms of their cute little monkey feet. Each doll in the collection is covered with soft hand-applied mohair [just think - that is someone's job, probably some poor peasant in a factory in Indonesia who cannot believe what idiots Americans are], and each wears a precious costume just like a pampered human baby [for your $29.99 plus $6.99 shipping and handling, you could be sponsoring a real live human baby who is starving to death someplace in the world]! For yourself or as the most delightful collectible monkey-lover gift ever. You can pose them anywhere [I just keep getting the scary image of this person whose one joy is to buy, display and "pose" this crap], and these Heavenly Handfuls will have you falling in love with babies all over again - but only if you hurry! Strong demand is expected, so order now! [American is in deep, deep trouble if there is any demand for this.]

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Tags: grotesque, horrid
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