How NOT to get ready for your big day

Okay, so on Monday (tomorrow) at 9:15 in the morning I'm going on a TV show called AM Northwest. And in the evening I am going to be speaking at the Oregon Book Awards. Anxious? Me? Why yes.

I spend most of my days in workout clothes. I wear makeup about twice a year. I never learned how to walk in heels. (I think it's too late.)

So I've been nervously anticipating tomorrow. This weekend I started doing my prep work. Learn from my mistakes:

- on Saturday, at Kajukenbo class get paired with 13-year-old boy known [by me] as "Devil Child." When instructed to "harmonize" with gentle sparring, Devil Child windmills his arms, raining blows, and laughs at resulting wincing, cowering. Instructor yells, "Hit him!" to no avail.
- resulting bruises are going to make sleeveless dress problematic.

- realizing no one wears stockings any more, go to Target and purchase "shapewear" and self-tanner.
- go home and don shapewear. Styled like shorts (shorts made by Satan), they immediately roll up thighs and down belly, creating scary slabs of flash.
- discard idea of wearing shapewear and instead vow to suck in stomach (for hours on end if need be).
- test self-tanner on upper thigh. Nearly too late, note that long streak of self-tanner has run down to calf. Wipe up frantically with wad of wet toilet paper.
- on Sunday, wake up and note that self-tanner has made test spot on upper thigh a pale orange. Still better than normal, vampire-like skin tone.
- as an alternate plan, purchase Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs, which people on the internet claim miraculously covers up imperfections.
- try Sally Hansen at home. Legs are still scary and veiny and seem no darker.
- shower and shave. (Scant body hair means shaving is a rare occasion). Since self-tanner recommends exfoliating, scrub legs vigorously with loofah.
- spray on self-tanner.
- slip on floor on which self-tanner has drifted.
- after legs dry, try on four pairs of black pants. Four pairs! How is it possible to have four pairs of black pants (that are not athletic pants) and still not like any of them?
- one hour later, legs begin to burn and itch. And look bumpy. Can you say razor burn?
- hope that razor burned/orange legs will look sort of tan.

Wish me luck!




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Debbie Derrick
(Anonymous)
You gave me a good chuckle at the shape wear description. Sorry about all your bumps, and bruises. How could the rest of your time not go well after this crazy pot hole filled road you've been on! I know you will do super!

(I will say some prayers for you during those times also, hope you feel them!)

Debbie
Re: Debbie Derrick
I remember Vicki G. and I bought some earlier versions of those things. They worked no better then!
Whoa! I think you need to get revenge on Devil Child, a.k.a. Spawn of Satan.

I will be looking for you on A.M. Northwest--that is, if I remember. (Am not a telly viewer.) And good luck at the Oregon book awards. (Liked your piece on the origins of Girl,Stolen in the Oregonian today, btw.)

Michael
Devil Child likes having an adult he can beat up. I guess everyone fills in a niche in the eco-system. Mine if fairly low, at least in kajukenbo.
Everyone tells me to hit Devil Child. But a) he would just hit me back harder and b) how can I hit a kid younger than my own Teen?
You had me trying not to laugh out loud at work in my cube. I had a run in with gross orange streaks once. I was not inclined to try self tanner ever again. I can't give beauty advice because I just hide under dark clothes and long hair. Sometime I put on makeup. Sorry about the razor burn, that really sucks. But you always look great when I see you in person, so I have no doubt you'll look awesome. You have some great outfits.
I decided not to wear mascara because it always ends up under my eyes. Someday I need to figure that out.
I only put mascara on my upper lashes. I don't like the way it looks on the lower lashes, like a bunch of little spider legs. Ick. And then I don't get the under eye smudgies either.
I think so - you can judge for yourself by looking at my most recent post. Thank goodness the Oregon Book Awards aren't televised!