Pity the poor ghostwriter

Tyra Banks has "written" a "novel" that will come out in September. Judging by the chapter posted on bn.com, it's bad, bad, BAD. Maybe she really did write it herself.

So bad it was hard to figure out what to post.

Tookie turned and nearly jumped out of her skin. Standing next to her was Theophilus Lovelaces. His eyes glistened in the LaDorno sun. He was seeing her, actually seeing her. His eyes focused right on hers. His words were meant for her. Tookie tried to smile, but she had a feeling her mouth made more of a grimace.

"You're not participating?" Theophilus asked, gesturing to the crowd.

Tookie opened her mouth but couldn't speak. She was dying to say, Really? Me? Have you lost your mind? But instead a cross between a yelp, a sneeze, and a burp came out.
See for yourself here.

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Lordy. I didn't get past the first sentence:

"Thousands of girls stampeded to the square all at once."

They stampeded. All at once.
I don't know about you, but there's nothing that says "hot," like a man whose eyes "glisten."
A yelp, a sneeze and a burp? Could someone please demonstrate that sound for me?
The yelp/sneeze/burp was the funniest thing I've read lately. I think my husband can actually do that.
In my experience, there are a LOT of those. (Although my husband would probably say the same thing.)
I'm going to remember this the next time that little voice starts whispering mean things, and I'll tell that little voice "My writing could be worse. Much worse."